I see all these bloggers that talk about their Saturday morning brunch at some super-hipster place and they look flawless.  That’s not me though.  Let’s be honest for a bit.  I don’t usually wear makeup on the weekends, I rarely get out of my sweat pants, and my hair is 98% of the time in a ponytail or top-knot.

Here’s a real shot of me on Saturday about 2:30.  We just got home from helping some awesome friends move into their new house.  J was taking a nap on the couch and I was getting ready to go study for a few hours.

Warning: this is not a pretty shot, I look rough.  

Told you, I was looking rough.

That picture makes me look like I have lots of freckles, but I think it’s just the camera on my laptop. I guess it kind of looks like dirt a little, but I had just washed my face so it has to be the computer.  Yes, the computer.  I have better skin…. yeah, a lot better.

Sometimes I’m envious of those bloggers who wear cute clothes on the weekends, but that’s not me and I wouldn’t be real if I took a picture of myself dressed like that.  Honestly, if you ever see a picture of me dressed up on a weekend then you can probably assume that I changed into yoga pants about 3 minutes after the picture was taken.  That’s more me.

Yes, I put myself down.  Most of the time I do not even realize that I am doing it.  Does it build me up?  Does it build others up that are around me? I don’t know.  It’s small comments here and there undermining my own performance.  Do I really think that I can’t do something?  No, I know that I can do anything I put my mind to.  So then why do I do it?
In this past month’s vlog in the Thankful Series I mentioned that I had my 30-day review with my current employer.  It was a great review until they told me that I put myself and my work quality down.  It was said nicely and politely, and in a way that told me it was untrue.

I put myself down…?

That’s all I could think about.  It was hard for me to hold back my tears because I was so ashamed that I did that to myself.

I didn’t know or realize that I insulted myself so much that it drew attention from others.

I talked it to death with J who said he could agree.  He knows that I could do anything I put my mind to, but even gave me recent examples of when my side comments lessened my accomplishments.  My Mom and Dad thought that it was a compliment because he wasn’t saying I was over cocky or have a big head.  They believe that my employer was trying to do me a favor.

I couldn’t see it because I didn’t believe it.

Luckily my review was on a Friday, which gave me two whole days to be consumed with that one thought:

You put yourself down and you do not need to do that.

Then I paid attention and realized – I do.

Why? I was always taught to be confident.  To walk into a room and act like you own it.  Did I start this bad habit in high school or college when I thought that others wouldn’t understand my ideas or reasons behind my actions?  Did I start because I really think so poorly about myself?

My employer doesn’t know.  J doesn’’t know.  My parents don’t know.  I don’t know.

All I know is that I do and I need to stop.

I am making a conscious effort to realize it, pause  and correct myself.  It’s been about a month since my review and I can proudly say that I put myself down a lot less.  One day I might speak 100% confident in my abilities and work product, and that day will be amazing.

Don’t put yourself down.  Believe in what you do, confidently.  Others will believe in you.

I always read these “day in the life of” posts and think it is so cool to peek into someone else’s life for a bit.  My day is not as glamourous as most other blogger’s because I have a full time job that I go to during the week, so that cuts into a lot of my time (It’s so annoying having to pay bills!).  Here is an average day for me.
6:15 – J is up and ready to face the day.  He is such a morning person and I am not!  So I hang out in bed with the pups for a few minutes longer while he showers.  Once he is out of the shower I am up and headed downstairs to make him a smoothie for breakfast.

6:30 – J is out the door and I am headed back upstairs to start getting ready.  I wash my face, put on makeup and fix my hair all while jamming out to some hard rock taking dance breaks with Tiny.

7:00 – I am out of the bathroom and into the closet to get dressed.  I try to lay out my outfit the night before to save time, but there are those days that I hate everything in my closet so that takes up some time.

7:15 – Headed back downstairs to make myself a breakfast smoothie, pack my lunch, let the dogs outside and just relax for a bit.  I like to check my emails while watching reruns of Dog the Bounty Hunter in the morning.

7:50 – I am off to work.  The commute is never the same, no matter which way I take.  Sometimes it takes me 15 minutes and other times it takes me 30.  I just never know.

8:20 – Arrive at work and start the day.

5:15 – Leave work and head home.  Again, the commute is never the same but my average is about 15 minutes on the way home.

6:00 – Hit the gym or try to work out some at home.

7:15 – Start dinner with J.  I like to plan ahead and know what we are making so that everything is prepped and ready to go.

7:45 – Finish dinner and make our lunches for tomorrow.
8:00 – Finally able to sit on the couch and relax for a bit.  I usually pull out my laptop and work on merelynne.com, some of my freelance projects, or brainstorm ideas.  I also like to watch TV with J for a bit.

9:00 – J heads to bed and I get the TV to myself.  I have a few shows that I love to watch at night or I set it to record so that I can catch up on them later.

11:00 – Head upstairs, shower, and finally hit the bed for sleep.

That’s it.  A typical day in the life of me.

I’ve started a new trend: I am going makeup free on a daily basis.

 Now hear me out before you gasp in disgust.  I love makeup, I always have.  I remember the first time I put on eyeliner was in the 7th grade and I fell in love with the smokey eye before it was even cool.  Then I saw some school photos of my perfect smokey eye and realized that I didn’t quite have it down yet.  But hey!  We all go through those phases.  Like the phase of wearing a t-shirt with a white lion on it back in high school.  I wore that shirt all the time and thought it was the greatest.  I think I was way ahead of the times because that shirt would total rock in today’s world, but back in 2002 it didn’t.

Anyway I am digressing.  I’ve stopped wearing makeup.  I am not one of those health nuts that thinks it’s better for my skin because honestly I haven’t noticed a difference in my skin texture at all.  I don’t think the make-up is horrible and am throwing a protest against the beauty industry because that would just be cruel!

Honestly, it’s because I am lazy. Yep, I said it.  I am going makeup free because I am lazy!  I like to sleep in late, too late most mornings.  Plus I work in an office by myself.  Tell me how much motivation you would have to dress to the nines when you sit in a chair in a brightly painted yellow room with no one to talk to.  You wouldn’t or at least the majority of you wouldn’t.

I do like to get dolled up for date nights with J or when we are going out with friends.  But for a day-to-day basis my make-up sits in its little bag on the bathroom counter.  I’m sure the eyelash curler and foundation brush are pretty lonely, but at least they have each other.  Perhaps one day I will snap out of this phase and realize that I should be wearing makeup so that I do not scare small children, but that day hasn’t come.  OR perhaps I am just getting more comfortable in my own bare skin and this phase is here to stay.

Only time will tell.