Motherhood: What I'm Meant To Do

I’m only a little over a month into this whole motherhood thing and I have to tell you – it’s hard. Really hard. But it’s also worth it, every second of the sleepless nights, the skill with balancing a baby while making a bottle and the art of the quick diaper change – it’s all worth it.

Last night while up at 2 am feeding Baby I realized that this is why I’m here. If you would have told me at 20 years old I would have felt fulfilled sitting in the middle of the bed with one dog at my feet, the other taking over my pillow while soothing a fussy baby because he’s hungry, I would have said you were crazy. I didn’t grow up wanting a child. I really thought a life without a family is what I wanted. I was young and stupid.

I’m so glad I found J and we decided as a couple to start a family. This little boy frustrates me in the best possible way. I’m becoming a baby whisperer and finding strength when I didn’t think I had any. During his NICU stay I rallied and was able to take in what the nurses were saying, curb the tears and be strong for him. I wasn’t strong for myself, I was strong for my child. He needed me and I couldn’t let him down.

This is what life is all about. Motherhood. I know I have a lot of learning to do and I know he will take joy out of scaring his poor mother one day, but right now I will hold him and snuggle him tight every chance I get.

As I write this post, Baby is sitting in his rock ‘n play after tummy time.

The last pediatrician appointment I was informed that Baby has a mild case of Torticollis. Which is similar to a crick in the neck from how he laid in my womb. It’s mild and she recommended we go to physical therapy to learn some exercise to help.

We had our first physical therapy appointment earlier this week and I learned that Torticollis is very common and his case is very, very mild. So with appointments and exercises at home, he should be fine.

But it’s scary. I want one doctor’s appointment where everything goes well. The first we were admitted to the NICU. The second was his circumcision, which went fine so I guess it was a good appointment. The third was a checkup and his umbilical cord wasn’t healing great so she put some medicine in it to help dry it out, which caused his belly button to be rubbed raw and another visit the next day to make sure everything was okay. The last appointment was when we were told about his case of Torticollis.

I want one appointment where everything is great – his weight, his belly button, his neck, everything. I know it will come and I realize how lucky we are. These issues could be severe. I know that. But, ugh, just one appointment where we don’t have to come back the next week or go to another specialist. That’s all I want.

Being a new mom is hard. I never realized just how stressful and fearful being a mom is until I became one. I think I took advantage of how strong my mom was while I was growing up. Even when I was delivering Baby and had to be rushed for a C-Section. My Mom was worried about me, her baby. I get it now.

To all of us in the bonds of Motherhood. The stress and fear isn’t going to get easier, but hopefully we can lean on each other for support without judgment.