I try to fight it, but sometimes those feelings of not being good enough creep in. I’m a pretty logical person, so I rationalize that those feelings are just in my head. But I still don’t fully believe it. My heart tells me that I’m just not good enough. I am my own worst critic.
I have a husband that supports me and is proud of me. He cheers me on my fitness journey each and every time I set a new benchmark. He understands those moments when all I want is a bowl of ice cream and I would do anything to get that bowl. He supports me in everything I try to do. He’s a great man.
But…I always think I should be further, look more like an athlete, eat better, blah, blah, blah then I do.
I see pictures of myself and my first thoughts are always “why did you stand like that? Look at your arms!” or “does everyone else notice your double chin? It’s so bad!” I’ve always been like this. In college I did the chicken wing stance in almost every single picture. You know the one I’m talking about. You stand with your hand on your hip with your elbow bent. That way your arm isn’t pressed against your body so your upper arm looks smaller. I was constantly hiding my arms. Even when I was 40 pounds lighter than I am right now… I was still ashamed of my body. I look back at those pictures and I’m sad that I let her beat herself up so much. But here I am, still doing it to myself.
As an adult, I imagined all of these insecurities to be gone. That I would finally accept my body and love the person I’ve become. I’m a confident person when it comes to my work. I know how to do my job and I’m willing to learn the parts I don’t know. I’m okay with not being an expert yet. I’ve accepted that so why do I beat myself up on my body and my food choices? I started crossfit months ago (for the 2nd time) and I’ve noticed changes in my body. I love those changes… my waist shrinking, my arms getting stronger and my thighs getting bigger. Most people wouldn’t love their thighs growing, but I do because it showcases my strength. But then I let life get in the way and I miss a week. I slip back into old habits and my progress stalls.
When my progress stops I start doubting my worth. Why? I don’t know. How do I stop it? I don’t know that either. I know that with my support team around me, I’m learning to not be as critical as I once was. It’s still hard though, you know? I have those days where nothing fits and I look at my Instagram feed to see these beautiful athletic women doing so much with their lives. Here I am, sitting on the couch after missing a workout.
I’m not those women and I follow them for motivation – not to make myself feel bad about my choices. I don’t know what’s going on in their lives. They are posting the pictures they want us to see – the good ones. Who knows when that picture was taken, it could have been days ago. I’m still in awe of their accomplishments and I have faith that I will reach my goals, too. One day I will be proud of my body – where it has been and where it’s going. Right now, I’m learning to not let my insecurities get the best of me. I’m trying to take each day as it comes and know that I am better off then where I was a year ago.
It’s funny to me how supportive and strong I can be for the other women in my life – my friends, my sister and my mom; however, when it comes to me I’m the first to point out my flaws. I need to take the advice I give to others and repeat it to myself.
Here’s one my favorite verses, “Do your best, prepare for the worst – then trust God to bring victory.” -Proverbs 21:31 Perhaps I can use this as a guide – workout, eat better, be kind to yourself and then trust in God.