Yes, I put myself down. Most of the time I do not even realize that I am doing it. Does it build me up? Does it build others up that are around me? I don’t know. It’s small comments here and there undermining my own performance. Do I really think that I can’t do something? No, I know that I can do anything I put my mind to. So then why do I do it?
In this past month’s vlog in the Thankful Series I mentioned that I had my 30-day review with my current employer. It was a great review until they told me that I put myself and my work quality down. It was said nicely and politely, and in a way that told me it was untrue.
I put myself down…?
That’s all I could think about. It was hard for me to hold back my tears because I was so ashamed that I did that to myself.
I didn’t know or realize that I insulted myself so much that it drew attention from others.
I talked it to death with J who said he could agree. He knows that I could do anything I put my mind to, but even gave me recent examples of when my side comments lessened my accomplishments. My Mom and Dad thought that it was a compliment because he wasn’t saying I was over cocky or have a big head. They believe that my employer was trying to do me a favor.
I couldn’t see it because I didn’t believe it.
Luckily my review was on a Friday, which gave me two whole days to be consumed with that one thought:
You put yourself down and you do not need to do that.
Then I paid attention and realized – I do.
Why? I was always taught to be confident. To walk into a room and act like you own it. Did I start this bad habit in high school or college when I thought that others wouldn’t understand my ideas or reasons behind my actions? Did I start because I really think so poorly about myself?
My employer doesn’t know. J doesn’’t know. My parents don’t know. I don’t know.
All I know is that I do and I need to stop.
I am making a conscious effort to realize it, pause and correct myself. It’s been about a month since my review and I can proudly say that I put myself down a lot less. One day I might speak 100% confident in my abilities and work product, and that day will be amazing.
Don’t put yourself down. Believe in what you do, confidently. Others will believe in you.