I Put Myself Down

Yes, I put myself down.  Most of the time I do not even realize that I am doing it.  Does it build me up?  Does it build others up that are around me? I don’t know.  It’s small comments here and there undermining my own performance.  Do I really think that I can’t do something?  No, I know that I can do anything I put my mind to.  So then why do I do it?
merelynneIn this past month’s vlog in the Thankful Series I mentioned that I had my 30-day review with my current employer.  It was a great review until they told me that I put myself and my work quality down.  It was said nicely and politely, and in a way that told me it was untrue.

I put myself down…?

That’s all I could think about.  It was hard for me to hold back my tears because I was so ashamed that I did that to myself.

I didn’t know or realize that I insulted myself so much that it drew attention from others.

I talked it to death with J who said he could agree.  He knows that I could do anything I put my mind to, but even gave me recent examples of when my side comments lessened my accomplishments.  My Mom and Dad thought that it was a compliment because he wasn’t saying I was over cocky or have a big head.  They believe that my employer was trying to do me a favor.

I couldn’t see it because I didn’t believe it.

Luckily my review was on a Friday, which gave me two whole days to be consumed with that one thought:

You put yourself down and you do not need to do that.

Then I paid attention and realized – I do.

Why? I was always taught to be confident.  To walk into a room and act like you own it.  Did I start this bad habit in high school or college when I thought that others wouldn’t understand my ideas or reasons behind my actions?  Did I start because I really think so poorly about myself?

My employer doesn’t know.  J doesn’’t know.  My parents don’t know.  I don’t know.

put myself down

All I know is that I do and I need to stop.

I am making a conscious effort to realize it, pause  and correct myself.  It’s been about a month since my review and I can proudly say that I put myself down a lot less.  One day I might speak 100% confident in my abilities and work product, and that day will be amazing.

Don’t put yourself down.  Believe in what you do, confidently.  Others will believe in you.

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